Mirage

Wiki says, The word comes to English via the French (se) mirror, from the Latin mirari, meaning "to look at, to wonder at".

That was me, from the past couple of months, searching for myself in a chaotic me. Everything was normal yet I didn't feel usual, I was a fully energetic human with dead expressions towards myself.

Everything was normal, tireless when it comes to day to day routine. I could and I was genuinely happy, on cloud infinite for others, when they were celebrating their moments (priceless ones ) and shared them with me, and genuinely sad or worried when I was aware of someone's distress. Towards me... nada.

All I knew was, something is wrong but I didn't know what that was and without that, there was no way ahead.

My first thought was maybe it is burnout, some time off would do good, but still didn't work out. with the responsibility of being me that everyone knows, I knew I cannot figure out even left with many days when I don't know why my mind is all cloudy. 

I spoke to my family and expressed my wish to have some time off (didn't say my thoughts, it's difficult to express when there are a lot of uncertainties). I booked several places but in the end, everything fell off and then just left me with a last moment choice. All I knew was to do whatever I want but I need to be alone for sure...

So, I went to this place and for 2 days I traveled alone to all the known places, needless to say, beautiful, breathtaking, there are no adjectives. 

I did not speak to anyone unless it was needed the most, and I went through a lot of emotions that cannot be out in words, and even if I find, volumes of books are required.  

Now coming back to the original thought, that something is wrong... I just sat in a place for a long time, to find, and process infinite emotions that were just flowing like waves(remember in reality we never see a wave, it always exists in mass).in the end I had such a great moment where I found myself, accepted things, let go of many stress and have left some beautiful memories with waves so that they take it with them and then bring it back on every visit. 

Final thoughts, this small journey has given me a lot of beautiful priceless memories that stay with me, I'm now back dead tired but full of emotions towards myself. Mission accomplished.

To my older self when you read this again,

Always keep an eye on your emotions, not feeling anything is also a feeling, for sure you don't know what is wrong, or maybe nothing works out, the whole world might seem against you, but it's all mirage, indicating that the reality is nearby you, you just need to let go of the reflection and find it. Remember to pause, breathe in and out with the waves of emotion, and lastly, don't ever forget your family was and will be with you.