Hope, finding the benefit of hope.

Words!!! Oh, how silly they are … I need thousands of them to use and say that I love and miss my friend but I don’t have it  I want millions of them to say I’m sorry and to forgive me, but the void is all I find I have hundreds of them to use on people who have wronged me, and caused so much pain and suffering.. all I need is strength to not let them out I want the strength to ask the same things from the lords every day and use the same words but I’m running out of them every single time I use them… Oh words,  How cruel you are… that you hurt without letting anyone know that it’ll hurt … forever  You’ll cage a mind without allowing it to let a single emotion out!!   I don’t find it ironic as none remembers the sweetest form of you, you matter and exist only when you become a devil and control mind to use your worst forms…!!! Words oh words….!!!

The clock strikes 12,  I see the kids wishing their mothers and all the motherly-natured people, a very happy mothers Day, say they love them the most... But what about me? I let out a huge sigh as the tears won't flow anymore and my heart won't go any lighter.  I will have to put this strong face in front of everyone tomorrow, I forcibly close my eyes at 4 am to sleep, I see you, your happy face, your mischievous smile, your "see what I can do ruckus" activities and I see how calmly you sleep on my lap. Oh I so hate everything in this world, how I wish I can just stay in the past....i wake up to see some light but all I see is despair and agony. It's waking up to live a nightmare.  I prayed and begged everyone to bring you back, but that didn't happen, I pray and beg for your wellness every second of my breath, I wish I could change things ....  It seems longing for you is a lost cause, it seems it's too late, it seems I will have to move on, ...

Today I broke down during a discussion with my manager, it was nothing negative there was nothing discussed either...what lead to that was a question, Hey Asha, how are you? All the fort and mask I had been holding fell at that instance. Glad it wasn't face to face discussion...or was it?? Hey, Asha! How are you ... That Is all it took... How am I?? A question I have been dodging these whole 6 months, a question I haven't asked myself seriously.... Let me ask myself, how am I doing? Well, let's see.... To the Outside world, I have portrayed myself as this busiest person on the earth, enjoying her cup of coffee....literally.... But In reality.... I wrote a blog months ago saying how I was feeling numb despite doing everything that I wanted to do, and that I feel normal...looking back it was just a first aid done poorly, the need for the actual treatment was forgotten... Now in these last 6 months,  Some things happened that has hurt me a lot, have traumatized me,...

Dear Parents or to-be parents, It is my humble request that you teach your kid/children about, Importance of being kind, humble, and emphatic, Importance of saying No, How to embrace failures, Importance of existence, To identify not just the Good and bad touches, but also the good and bad attitudes, Taking care of the people/animals in need,  Not to tolerate violence, and to know when to leave the room if ill-treated, How to be polite and still maintain self-respect, not letting someone say they are not enough and that they don't deserve better things,  Importance of treating everyone with dignity, and respect, irrelevant to how important they are to you, How It is not okay to stereotype someone based on their history, place, race, etc., and to not let that affect your values, Not letting someone else's behaviour affect you, Importance of apology, and usage of words,  How to forgive someone without accepting an apology, About how it is okay to express yoursel...

Maama, It's me!!  It's been two years without you!! I still cannot believe and agree with the fact that you left us 2 years ago!! Damn you Covid!! You took my fondest maama, the father everyone prayed to have!!  I'm scared that I have sometimes forgotten that you're not with us, I still picture you working hard in your own world and welcoming me wholeheartedly with your motherly smile. That is the image I have of you. forgive me I still can't look at your pictures, my heart explodes with grief whenever photos shows a glimpse of you as a "memory for you"  Maybe I'll never be okay with your loss.  Maama, the world is cruel, God is and was unfair, you left and I thought it must be for some reason, the only reason I find is that you were exhausted, which is untrue, you loved life and you worked your whole life towards it. You can never be tired and I'm sure you would never be okay and have accepted the fact that you need to leave this world...

When Vaibhav announced that he is leaving his current organization, those who knew him (us) said "Oh..he is starting a new venture now!" , we knew....!! We were just waiting for the name and the details....some of us wanted a mini version of his previous organization so that we can fit in. Lame isn't it :P  When he announced Sarvhitay , I was elated..what a beautiful name.  Fast forward to December, I was at the last leg of my executive course, there were lot many assignments, quizzes, projects, exam stress and work was also going crazy! BAU, you can say... That's when I saw the initiative " Gratitude for Guru ", the most memorable program, such a sweet reminiscence, had a precious feeling while writing the note, the note will always have a special place in my heart.  Later I then saw another post that said, mentorship session from Vaibhav, with yet another beautiful name Chanakya , nominations are open ! The funny thi...

Just like old times , the heart is broken.  Just like old times , there was no response when I tried reaching out, distressed. Just like old times , I tried being myself and showed my all emotions.  Just like old times , my friend failed to trust me. Just like old times , my beloved one failed to understand me. Just like old times , I stood crying alone remembering all the promises of “ I’m here when you need me ”. Just like old times , we are strangers with bittersweet memories.  Just like old times , phones went dead and conversations felt burdensome.  Just like old times , no one understood each other. Just like old times , I removed myself from the very life I was fond to be a part of. Just like old times , I stand helpless when my fondest relationship died.  Just like old times , I wish the best of everything from the truest bottom of my heart. Just like old times , I bid bye one last time not with a heavy heart but with a huge sigh ...