How are you?

Today I broke down during a discussion with my manager, it was nothing negative there was nothing discussed either...what lead to that was a question, Hey Asha, how are you? All the fort and mask I had been holding fell at that instance.
Glad it wasn't face to face discussion...or was it??


Hey, Asha! How are you ... That Is all it took...


How am I??

A question I have been dodging these whole 6 months, a question I haven't asked myself seriously.... Let me ask myself, how am I doing?

Well, let's see....

To the Outside world, I have portrayed myself as this busiest person on the earth, enjoying her cup of coffee....literally....

But In reality....


I wrote a blog months ago saying how I was feeling numb despite doing everything that I wanted to do, and that I feel normal...looking back it was just a first aid done poorly, the need for the actual treatment was forgotten...


Now in these last 6 months,  Some things happened that has hurt me a lot, have traumatized me, and also have brought back the trauma, due to which I have not been myself.

Not sure if it's those incidents or my health, or intertwined results. I have had at least one anxiety attack per day and have pretty intense negative thoughts to this day which I don't prefer to share openly here, not ready yet. Nothing matters as I see from here, I don't see any light ...In My whole life, my mind has never been this unkind to me and my whole will has never been this stronger towards my life....

During this....
I haven't connected with anyone, or have kept to just one-word conversations. Those who know me might have received 100 different reasons for each time.
consciously and unfortunately, I have been very picky, and quirky, get annoyed in a second, and post that I have stopped talking or have said to face that I will never talk, I do know that is wrong. I closed all the doors and windows. You all must have perceived it as "Oh, she just doesn't care". But in reality, I cared more than you all can fathom, I just don't have the energy to convey, you can imagine me as a tired mind and tired body trying to be normal, explaining things is still weary, and faking is easier. Even now...!!

I have fought back tears, during my commute, before and after work, during nights, right after waking up, and after spending a great time with family, breakdowns have been the new normal and they have been more than I can count. I'm emotionally so fragile saying hi makes me happy, high excitement ( loud voices) gives me massive anxiety attacks.... Yes only at work I used to be the normal self....or maybe I wasn't ... until today.....

To all those I have hurt, my sincere apologies, my health should not be the reason for my ill behavior, I will promise that I'll get back to my charm ( I still have it in me), and having said that, I'm still not ready to talk about anything yet. I hope it's a fair ask.



So, Asha isn't well, here I acknowledged it....but she will be sooner.

Since I'm no expert, I don't know the cause of it so I don't blame anyone or anything, I focus only on getting better, to be myself, a better myself....

My family, friends, office, and the whole teammates have been so kind to me, I'll be thankful my whole life for being there at this point of my life and for tolerating me. 


Finally, don't worry I never give up... My family is there with me as usual and stronger than ever...I have checked with the clinician and will utilize the resources. I'll take a break from all this. and hopefully, see you all soon stronger and happier.


-Asha

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

All I hear is work!

Image
The key aspects that most employees consider while selecting any employer would be compensation, growth and career development.  It is very important to also consider and ask questions about the workplace, the health of the potential team that you'll be joining and the environment that an organisation provides. Don't go with "What worse can happen?" Also, when a person leaves org one of the many reasons would be work environment.  Now, how can an organisation of let's say 100 to 20000 employees be responsible for one person's exit? and how can this be standardised as each employee is unique?  A 2022 study in the MIT Sloan Management Review cited toxic work cultures as the top driver of employee attrition—well above job insecurity or lack of recognition for performance.  The report said leading contributors to toxic work cultures included failure to promote equity, diversity, and inclusion (EDI), workers feeling disrespected, and Unethical behaviour...
Read more

we miss you :(

Image
The one who never complained, always smiled and amidst all the pain stayed calm. People say be like lotus and bloom in a pool of ditch… but my goal is to be like You, my dearest Maama…  it’s been three full years without you!! Yet I still cannot accept that you are not here.  To me you are still there at your store, staying super busy minding your own business… One of my fondest memories of my childhood would definitely be seeing you work endless hours and still be very warm and fatherly… Your way of treating everyone felt so godly that no one could take your place. That heart of yours was so pure… always...  It hurts so much to know that you are not here with us… and that everything broke apart… Not talking to you while you were here, considering that I still have time will always be my biggest regret of this life…I miss you so dearly… those people around you didn’t deserve your love and kindness… they didn’t recognize your worth while you were here…...
Read more

I'm fine! I'm thrilled

Image
Yayy, good news! Congratulations!! Maternity shoots It's a ! Baby shoots How lovely...   My grandmother used to say, " becoming a mother is the most beautiful moment a woman can experience ".  She hasn't slept properly for days, doesn't even know if it's day or night, just doing the routine job of feeding the baby, and celebrating with others . When asked about how she is, she says, " Yeah, um, I'm fine! I'm thrilled ," but she questions herself why she doesn't feel that way. She musters all the courage and with fear expresses her dark emotions, about how she's going through a weird feeling that was supposed to be cloud nine. Her family calls her a monster , telling her to get out of that space and be there for her child and to Grow up . She curses herself, filled with guilt for not being able to care for her child the way her family wants, the way society expects, and most importantly, the way she dreamed all her life . She still ...
Read more