maybe we simply can't

It has been a while since I penned something down…
Because most didn’t care when I did, and there was a point in time, it affected me. Anyway, here it goes!


Timelines…
Dec 2023 - identified that the work life is hectic, and it may cost my personal time…. little did I know, damage was already done.

Jan 2024 - didn’t know what to do, biggest achievement of my life but later in the month guilted me for even thinking of celebrating.

Feb 2024 - running blind and pointless, screaming in the void.

Mar 2024 - searching for happiness, not in words, trying to find the familiarity in something or anything… getting sucked into a black hole.

April 2024 - fearing the end, anxious 24/7, still functioning at my max work capacity.

May 2024 - searching for help, not through exact words, but actions, my face could say it, someone holding my hand could have said it… all I had was to be there…

I gave up… I drowned in my misery for the first and the last time… 
my dog noticed, only he noticed… the only time he had ever cried in front of my room and never left my side…

June 2024 - tried for a new beginning, but the damage was already done, all I had to trust were Mom, Dad, my sister and my savior, my dog…
Always skeptical, on guard 24/7…

July 2024 - recover (at least try) and fall back into the same toxic place.

Aug 2024 - recover (this time with more focus) again fall back into the same place worse than ever… bitter words that were used, bitter memories sucked happiness out of my life…

Sep 2024 - learned to trust, focus on myself. Stepped back from everything that brought back those bitter times 

Oct 2024 - learned to be okay with failure and then learned to start again, focus on myself.

Nov 2024 - started to hope again, fell down, didn’t stop myself from hoping. Focus on myself. 

Dec 2024 - slapped back harder than ever, this time I did not give up. Focus on myself. Burned all the bridges. 

Jan 2024 - silence, resilience and just being observant of the surroundings, not the absorbent. Focus on myself.

Feb 2024 - acknowledge, accept and just be grateful. Focus on myself…
As selfish as it would sound, the past couple of months, all I have done is to focus on myself, my health, my family and the rest (work and other things).
As brutal as it would sound, when I fell down (it’s as common as one would think) I had to get up alone… (no complaints)…

Someone who talks a lot would have been at ease if anyone noticed the change, noticed the signs or even acknowledged when said things are harder, instead of saying, “Oh, she’s just too naive to say that she too have problems…”

“You have a good job, that pays good money, that can let you take a lavish vacation, don’t say that you have stress or you have problems… these are rich people problems…, diamond shoes too tight.” while all that is true, they don't make one immune to agony.

Although, I sincerely thank the ones who made my days a lot better, helped me regain my trust on good things, helped me hope for the betterment, for sharing the spark and pushing me to put behind the bitter world. 
Not many (I repeat, not many) called and just said, “Hey, how are you? No reason, just wanted to check in on you, it has been a while, come let’s meet…” My phone has been silent for good 

P.S: do not reach out to someone to inflict pain just because you're bored. You can only do it once.

I’m extremely healthy and happy now, and I’m not complaining here… (someone’s scoffing while reading, seems like you are to me, you know what, I do not care). I do not need any sympathy, or would expect any kind of transactional relationship… nor will my behavior change towards anyone…


I just wanted to say, check on your people and I say again, if they mean a lot to you, check in on them… do not just sit and speculate… or just post someone’s quote saying “I’m here,” on any mental health day…
and bloody mean it! And if you can’t, just don’t be… nothing is ever more annoying than to have a lengthy contact list or emergency numbers and to never be able to reach out to them…If my dog can be there so unconditionally, I do not see why humans can’t…!

Maybe because we simply can’t!!


To those who have fallen down like me, it's alright, get up, get back there, world is indeed beautiful, you are just down to see it. Yes, it's a long process but never miss it for the world. If there occur a thought "is it all worth it?", trust me when I say, it's bloody worth it.!!

And don't worry if your close people weren't there or if they were the ones who you hurt you the most, it doesn't matter. I can assure you that in the end, there should not be any end. There is no need to put an end to anything. Leave places unaltered and just crawl/walk/run towards a better place. 

Believe in yourself, if you are here then you are here for a reason.


This blog is not an expression of ungrateful feelings rather a mere attempt towards a better human society.

-Hope

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