My Excruciating Thoughts

To my most beloved, respected maava.

When I first heard the news of you infected with the most on talk CORONA VIRUS, I was not worried. I just thought you will be down with fever and all symptoms and will fight it. Day by day silence increased at home, anxiousness and a weird yet most occurring kind of fear inside me. I could hardly think about you in the morning but when there was nothing in my hand to work, you were there, scaring the most of me.

All this happened within a week, there is no one to communicate about you because you know about the drama. On 27^th with utmost courage, my family contacted your relative who's also a doctor to know about his uncle condition, but he was busy or something no response received. That whole night I could not think I went blank, the same scary monster thoughts again. The next morning he had replied saying there is very slight chance. I prayed, really harder than ever the whole night just for your recovery do not know when I fell asleep. Even after this, I was stupidly optimistic and in fact shouting at whoever talks negatively as “he’ll be fine, you guys don’t know”.

28^th of April Wednesday, time: around 3 50pm. I was in my usual office meeting doing some regular work I guess. The news hit my home. You are no more in our lives; I am struggling to find words and to put down in here. I could not cry, my hands were just shivering the whole day. I just went numb. I guess I am numb even now. All I could hear from people I don’t recall now, is some blame on you for not caring for your health and the unfairness god (if that’s there) did to you.

I have still not come in my senses to accept that you are gone. I am too scared to see your pure smiling and a kid face in my album because I know I do not want to come to terms with the true yet and all I could hear from last afternoon is the way you used to call me. Believe me I do not know about anyone but I have lost the most precious person I had ever known. Yes I am also very sorry my loss.

All your life you have always respected every creature on earth, that selfishness behavior whole life, you always put the family before you, your kind and motherly love towards everyone, always made people question, how can a person be so patient and so forgiving? The amount of pain you went through your most life without complaining a bit. How am I going to tell people about you, without showing you?

There was not a single day you took a holiday/leave , I’m sure you are still now thinking who is going to take care of all the unfinished and untiring activity you have left behind . I guess in the end, your life mantra “my kids, my wife and my family” did not matter. I cannot forget how you were looking after your sons in each every moment; you have always given the best to them. You always treated me beyond expectations I am confused whether to be happy that I got more time to spend with or sad for not able to bear this load of seemingly never ending pain.  I never knew I am going to be this devastated.

I am writing this because, I am so unfortunate I could not see you from past  5 years I do not know who can empathize with me. I do not believe that people might be in a better place after they leave us. I am and I will always be angry towards this unfair incident; whatever happened to you is beyond my worst nightmare. I hope I live to see people who hurt you suffer. I can keep on writing about you because you are an endless ocean of goodness. Rest in peace maava .You will always be remembered, followed. I will always miss you.